My Immortal: Saving Canon
by Yumi Karasu
Summary: Stupid Mary-Sues. I'll kill 'em all. Rated for coarse language and sexual references. POV sequel to MY Immortal, which I don't own.
1. Chapter 1

"_My Immortal" was a piece of crap that was famous for it's long length, atrocious spelling and illogical problem solving._

_This piece of crap has none of those things._

_I do not own Harry Potter or My Immortal._

Hello. My name is Yumi Karasu. I have white hair, pale skin and cold, blue eyes. My clothes are nothing special. I'm currently at a school called Hogwarts, hunting down a monster who calls herself Ebony Way. Have you seen her?

I look up from my weird inner monologue and see a pale teenager wearing a My Chemical Romance T-Shirt walk by. I walk up to him.

"Have you seen a girl called Ebony go by, kid?"

"No," He responded sadly, sniffing. "I wanted to ask her out to a GC concert as well. They're playing in Hogsmede, you know."

Good Charlotte? In _my_ Hogsmeade?

"It's more likely than I think," I muttered to myself. Then looked back at the boy. He said he was going to ask the monster out on a date, so maybe f I could track him, I'd get a hold on her.

"Hey, what's your name?"

"....Draco Malfoy!" he called back.

Draco..? No way. He's too sensitive and soppy to be Malfoy. He even answered me politely when I asked him about his love life.

This was wrong.

I started to chase after him, but slipped on something and fell onto the stone floor.

Pinching my nose, I whipped my head around to see what had slipped me up. A piece of paper caught my attention. As I touched it, I was almost overwhelmed by the sudden urge to wear clothes from Hot Topic. It read:

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

So this was how she was controlling Malfoy. I put the paper in my jeans pocket and hurried off.


	2. Chapter 2

Oh wow. That was fast.

Okay, Thrutherabithole, I'VE ALREADY FINISHED THE STORY LULZ. I'll update with another two chapters this afternoon.

You Know Who, Anybody can.

Okay, next chapter.

---

The next day, I had found a few more pieces of the paper and recorded the brainwashing incantations on them into my note book.

But not before other people reached them.

As I watched the students go by to their classes, I saw members of Gryffindor house wearing pink polo shirts and chatting about Hillary Duff.

I wondered about this. Draco had been wearing clothes associated with the emo lifestyle. I suppose, Gryffindor being Gryffindor, they had reacted to the magic differently than the Slytherins.

At least the Gryffindors were going to class and I could catch up with them. I spoke to a young pink-wearing Gryffindor, Britney, during a free period.

"Yeah, so, like, I woke up this morning and I was wearing this hot pink Hollister shirt," she smiled at me, "And no matter how hard I try, I can't take it off!"

"And I take it you have this liking to Hillary Duff?" I asked.

"OMG, totally!" She giggled. "You know, I didn't know who she was before, but I talked to this muggleborn girl, and apparently she's this singer!"

"Thanks, Britney, You've been helpful." I half smiled at her, before continuing my search for the papers.

After bribing a brainwashed Snape with a children's fashion magazine (Strangely enough, he already had several copies of the same issue, but helped me anyway) I got the password to the Slytherin Common room and entered that evening. Looking around, I saw several pieces of paper lying around.

Jackpot!

Quickly gathering up the pieces, I wrote them down in my notebook, before throwing them into the fire.

I read over the incantations in my book, and saw that, when put together, they made a story.

By the looks of it, Malfoy had successfully asked Ebony out to the Good Charlotte concert in Hogsmede.

I sighed.

Malfoy was already lost.


	3. I would rather stay dead, thank you

Malfoy's aloof, snarky character had been turned into a sensitive emo boy through the monster's power. I bowed my head in memory of the spoiled brat I knew.

My moment of silence was interrupted by sudden loud music. The concert must be starting.

When I looked up, a new piece of paper had appeared in front of me.

"The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!"

"Shit!" I yelled, and hurried up to the office of a man who surely had used his awesomeness to stay canon. Surely Dumbledore had remained sane.

I died a little on the inside when I discovered he wasn't.

"What the hell do you want?" he growled at me.

I twitched.

"You know what's going on, don't you?" I asked him.

He glared, but didn't answer. I took out my note book and showed it to him.

Dumbledore glanced through it, and then looked up at me.

"So, you're saying that the girl is some sort of demon?" he questioned me.

"What else do you think it is?" I replied. "Normally I'd pass it off as a troll, but things are changing far too radically. Malfoy is already lost."

Dumbledore rubbed his head.

"Your notes say that Draco'll take Ebony into the Forbidden forest after the concert."

"I know. As far as I can tell, this is what is referred to as a 'Self-Insert' case. The demon's master wants to do things to a character, and will use said demon to carry out its sick fantasies."

Dumbledore looked at me with a kind of appraisal.

"Good piece of exposition there."

"Thanks," I smiled. Then I paused. The music from the concert had stopped. Was it over?

"That was quick," I muttered, and headed towards the door. "Come on."

"What the hell's going on?" Dumbledore asked loudly. "Ugh, my head…"

I turned towards him.

"They're going to have badly-described sex."


	4. Chapter 4

"DRACO!"

I heard the monster yell. Dumbledore and I stood there quietly, listening. Dumbledore was clutching his head in pain.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" the monster was yelling at Malfoy. The sexual tension was building. Somehow. We had to stop it .

We started walking towards the clearing, but I paused at the sound of a piano. Dumbledore stopped too.

"What is it?" He hissed.

"Something's here." I whispered back.

"What?"

"I don't know," I admitted, "But I think the master has sent out another brainwashing incantation."

Dumbledore growled.

"First you drag me out here to take care of some stupid Goth sex, now you're worried over a piece of paper?"

"Fine," I said through gritted teeth, "You stay here, take care of these guys. I'll get the incantation."

The old man mumbled something under his breath.

"For Christ's sake, take some asprin if it's bothering you that much!" I whispered, exasperated, as I hurried off. As I did so, I heard Dumbledore yell "_What the hell are you doing, you motherfuckers!_" at the canon rapist and her lover.

The convenient piano music in my head made the incantation much easier to find. I wrote it off as over-exposure to the plot, something this screwed-up is bound to have side effects.

Quickly writing down its contents and burning it with my cigarette lighter, I headed over to Professor McGonagall's Office to check on her. When I arrived, I saw the monster and Malfoy walking away, comforting each other.

I paused. It was my job to kill Ebony Way and end the madness, but right now… she looked almost human. Almost normal. My hand reached to my pen, but shook. I let my hand fall and sighed heavily.

I couldn't do it. Not only would it end poor Ebony's life, but mine as well.

I sighed and walked into the office. McGonagall and Snape stood there, along with Dumbledore. It looked so canon, though I knew how corrupted Dumbledore and Snape were.

"You know what's going on, right?" I asked McGonagall. She nodded.

"Look at this," she said, and took out a sheet of paper and gave it to me.

Harry 'Vampire' Potter's, Ron 'Diabolo' Weasley's and B'loody Mary Smith's pictures looked back up at me with their red, sorrowful eyes.

"W-what?" I stammered. "W-what?"

"They must have found the incantations too." Snape said flatly. Dumbledore sipped his glass of water sombrely.

I looked over their histories. Ron was related to Crabbe and Goyle? Hermione was adopted?

"It's changed everything." I whispered. "Everything is wrong. It's all wrong…"

"We didn't pick it up soon enough. Ebony Way just… appeared. We could have stopped it…" McGonagall told me, her eyes downcast.

I could have killed her. She was right there in front of me, and I let that bitch live. What an idiot I was.

"_Nobody_ screws with my canon that much and gets away with it," I muttered, scrunching up the piece of paper, "_Nobody_."


	5. Chapter 5

Soo... next chapter. Yeah.

You Know Who? Sure. You can join.

-----

The next day I gathered a team of people I knew I could trust to take down the monster, and Snape as well. Britney, who had gone out with Vampire once and I had sent to spy on Ebony the night before, had given me some valuable information.

"Like, Vampire and Draco are totally bisexual," she told us, "_and_ Ebony thinks they're both soooo hot!"

"Perfect!" I said, "I have a plan."

"That was quick," Snape muttered, eyebrows raised.

"We have to keep this side of the plot moving, to keep up with the drivel that is the other side." I explained. The Potions Master nodded.

"We say that Draco went out with Vampire. Make it convincing, too. McGonagall, get Draco here somehow. I'll do the rest."

Using my Author Superpower of Time-Skipping, McGonagall arrived in an instant with Draco, who looked confused. Snape sneaked up behind him and muttered, "Stupefy!"

Draco fell unconscious.

Taking out my pen and note book, I quickly wrote down "All of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!" and snapped the book shut. Immediately, I felt my legs go numb from editing the plot.

"Dumbledore, check Draco's arm." I said quietly. The wizened man grumbled, but checked the arm anyway.

The black tattoo was there. It worked.

"Great, now everybody hide!" I told everyone. Britney, Snape and the rest ducked away as Draco came to.

"Are you all right? I saw you pass out." I told him innocently. Draco's face showed that he recognized me.

"What did you do?" He accused. I frowned.

"Nothing," I lied, "Say, I saw you with Ebony at that GC concert. Nice work!"

His melancholic eyes shone with slight annoyance. Maybe he was angry with me for talking about his love life… Was he showing signs of his former self?

"Anyway," I continued. "Maybe you should do something special with her, you know…" I finished seductively, hoping he'd take the hint.

He did, thanked me and left.

Soon after, while sneaking around the common room looking for incantations, I heard shouting from inside the monster's room. "You bastard!" she yelled. Draco was trying to console her, but she was not to be reasoned with.

Mission Successful. I grinned.


	6. I'm fine, I promise

Been a while, huh? Well, here I am with another short, pathetic chapter.

---

Miss Canon Rape ran off crying, probably to yell at Ha- Vampire. Draco stayed in the room.

I heard him sobbing.

Throwing another incantation with the fire, I pondered. Was it possible that Draco wasn't completely lost? He was angry with me, not soppy-angry, real angry. Maybe the other characters, like Dumbledore and Vampire, weren't completely lost.

I could test this. There was one character that made everybody's blood boil, and could have still retained some of his original character.

Voldemort.

He was oddly easy to find, and willing to listen.

"…So, you want me to threaten a girl?" he asked curiously.

"Yes," I replied, "You also get to kill both H- Vampire and Draco if she fails. If she succeeds, the chosen one will die."

Voldemort smirked.

"Thou makest a good bargain, girl."

We sorted out the plan (Voldemort was pretty good at it) and then reported this to my canon force.

Snape glared at me.

"Do you really think," he said coldly, "I would work with the Dark Lord so willingly?"

"Well, no," I admitted, "But Voldemort is OOC too. There's a good chance he'll work with us, with no killing of anyone here."

"OOC?" McGonagall asked curiously.

_Shit!_

"I mean brainwashed." I said quickly. Snape seemed not to have noticed. He stood up and walked towards the door, muttering something about Lupin.

I raised an eyebrow.

"Lupin?"

"Oh, like, they're totally together," Britney told me, "I saw them setting up a video camera in the Slytherin common room."

I turned my curious face towards her.

"How did you…?"

I stopped, and returned my thoughts to Snape. He had left us. Understandable, I suppose, but the fact that he was so opposed to working with Voldemort meant he could be showing signs of his loyal-to-Dumbledore self. And that anger in Draco…Maybe this monster wasn't so hard to kill after all.


	7. Chapter 7

Oh, how long it has been. So, I'll be posting two chapters at a time from now on, so the few people who read this won't be so pissed.

Staring at the incantation slowly burning in the common room fire and listened to the monster's band practice, I pondered.

Why wouldn't I want to kill the monster? It had completely destroyed this canon I so loved when I was younger. I scoffed at the thought. Canon? Why did I stand up for it so? Some of my favorite fanfictions don't follow canon.

My fanfictions didn't follow canon… Rarely do fanfictions EVER follow canon…

I walked over to a conveniently placed bookshelf and searched for the book I was looking for.

_A young Yumi tiptoed silently past the officer's rooms and made her way to the shrine. As usual, she knelt there praying. _

"_Why do you keep doing this?" Yumi asked. The young woman opened her eyes and stood up._

"_I'm not sure," she admitted after pausing for a moment, "Maybe because I want them to come back."_

_The white-haired girl tilted her head. The woman sighed._

"… _Do you remember that book I showed you last week?"_

"_Uh-Huh."_

"_The author who did that hasn't been seen for a long time. This is the same with pretty much every author who achieves something. It would help us all so much if they reappeared." _

"_But you're like that, aren't you, Miss Cleaver? Why haven't you gone away?"_

_The Black Cleaver smiled sadly._

"_No, I'm nothing like that. I don't think I'll leave anytime soon."_

_She looked down at Yumi._

"_Is there something you want to show me?"_

_The young girl blushed._

"_I-I wrote this… and I want to know what you think."_

Immortal Blood.

Miss Cleaver never did finish this. She never will.

I hugged the book tightly to my chest as Draco ran out of the band's practice crying his eyes out. My eyes followed his retreating figure, before staring blankly at the spot where he vanished from sight.

Voldemort was coming to take him away today, I knew that.

Resting my head on my hand, I smiled. Since Draco's getting kidnapped and all, why not come up with an interesting story to go with it?

I headed to Dumbledore's office, Miss Cleaver's book still in my hand. I had a favor to ask him.


	8. Chapter 8

Mission Successful.

As more and more incantations appeared, I learnt the story of what had happened. It was admittedly hard to understand. Something about the monster trying to kill herself with a piece of meat, and Professor Dumbledore's lack of bowel movements. The basic message was still there, though- Ebony was so upset she had tried to kill herself. Something actually effected her.

Maybe a few more of her "friends" should disappear.

I gazed out of the clock tower window to see students having a Care of Magical Creatures class.

I saw two monochrome specks that stood out from the others, and decided to go check on them.

When I got down to the grounds, Ebony was walking up to Vampire, probably wanting to talk to him. I leant against a nearby tree to listen to the conversation.

"Hi," Vampire greeted her.

"Hi back."

They spent a few seconds staring at each other, then Ebony jumped on top of Vampire and they began having sex.

My eyes widened. How does "Hi" turn someone on?

Everyone, including me, stood there in silence, watching the pair. The monster, so upset before, had apparently gotten over Draco's 'death' very quickly.

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" McGonagall yelled, bringing the loud moans to a halt. The monster suddenly slapped Vampire and yelled at him.

I slowly backed away, deeper into the Forbidden Forest.

Slumping against a tree in the Forbidden Forest, I took out a cigarette and lit up.

Maybe the monster's grief was causing her to have mood swings. That would make some sense.

My main worry, though, was that she was gaining intelligence. I'm sure she would soon go after Voldemort herself, and that would be problematic.

I exhaled the smoke out of my mouth. This world is so illogical, I thought. I doubted it would take that long for her to find him. Somehow or another, she would get to him before I did.

There was nothing to do but wait. I took another drag.

A/N: Yumi is a magical author person thing who can't get cancer. Don't smoke. That stuff can kill you.

THE MORE YOU KNOW :D


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